Listen Actively to your Team Members

Tips on the Fine Art of Active Listening

In the most basic sense, active listening comprises of a set of techniques for assuring that you understand fully what the a person wishes to communicate when speaking to you, and making clear to the communicator that you understand what he or she has said. However, active listening also serves additional purposes such as:

Increasing the amount of information exchanged in oral communications

Increasing listeners' feelings of involvement with the communicator and with messages being communicated.

• Increasing the communicator's feeling of being appreciated.

• Causing communicators to rethink and clarify their own thoughts.

• Increasing the sense of connection between listeners and communicators.

• Stimulating creativity via the interaction between communicators and listeners.

• Reducing repetition of the same old tired messages from communicators.

Techniques

Listening actively requires effort and overt behavior. We are not listening actively if we simply listen attentively without saying anything while another person speaks -- even if we comprehend fully and precisely what the communicator is saying. To listen actively, we must show clearly to the communicator that we are:

• Listening. We are attentive to what the communicator is saying. We are making an active effort to understand the communicator's message

• Interested. We find it worthwhile to devote our attention to what the communicator has to say. The message has value to us, or at least has stimulated our curiosity.

• Comprehending. Our understanding of the communicator's message agrees with what the communicator intended to say.

Tips on Active Listening

So, as listeners, we have our own work to do as communicators. We must communicate to the communicator that we are listening, interested, and comprehending of what he or she has to say. Of course, this isn't necessarily easy. Communicators often send garbled messages that are very difficult to understand. People sometimes literally say one thing, thinking they have said something else. Communicators may choose words that mean something clear to themselves but have ambiguous meaning to others. Sometimes, what communicators have to say is downright uninteresting. And, even if the message is interesting to you, you may have other things on your mind that make it very difficult for you to concentrate. These are natural obstacles to active listening. However, they can be overcome. Communicators can be helped to communicate more clearly, we can take steps to concentrate on what communicators have to say, and through the active listening process, we can become involved in and interested in most anything that someone may choose to communicate about. Here are some useful active listening techniques.

Non-Verbal Techniques

Eye contact. This is an essential technique for face-to-face communications, and it is very powerful. Through eye contact with a communicator, you show that you are being attentive. Essentially, you are showing the communicator that you are granting him or her your permission and your time for him or her to communicate. Just think about what happens when the eye contact rule is violated! Recall times when you have been trying to get a message through to someone who won't look you in the eye. How did you feel? The possibilities are almost endless and they are all negative. You might have felt slighted. You might have believed that you were boring your listener. Or, perhaps, you believed that you were saying something that was distasteful to your listener. Maybe, he or she was disagreeing with you and was averting his or her eyes to avoid showing the disagreement. You might have felt that your listener was merely distracted by something else. You could have suspected that he or she was resisting your message, or perhaps passively aggressively showing dislike for the message, you, or both. You don't have to be paranoid to think these thoughts or feel these feelings. They are basically just natural human reactions that take place when listeners simply fail to maintain eye contact with communicators. So, keep in mind that your maintaining eye contact, as much as possible, shows the communicator that "the lights are on" and that you are in receiving mode.

Listening posture. There are a variety of ways to show with your posture that you are either open or closed to a communicator's message. Experts on nonverbal behavior sometimes become very prescriptive about body language. However, without going overboard there are a few points to keep in mind. Keeping your arms and legs crossed in front of you tends to indicate that you are closed or defensive. So does leaning away from the communicator or sitting hunched over. Sitting straight and perhaps leaning forward slightly shows that you are attentive, and eager to receive the communicator's message. Keeping your arms uncrossed, perhaps with your hands open (or, at least, fists unclenched) signals further that you are open to receive a communication.

Verbal Techniques

Play back. This is probably the most important and most powerful of all active listening techniques. You simply say to the communicator what you believe you have heard him or her say. This technique is often misunderstood or misconstrued to mean that you should "parrot" back the communicator's words. Parroting, by saying exactly what the communicator said, is not recommended. A better technique is to paraphrase and summarize your communicator's message. This is more difficult than parroting but it is much more effective. To paraphrase effectively, you must listen attentively and think about what the communicator has said in order to sum it up and put it in other words. You can do this by listening for key points that the communicator seems to be emphasizing. Emphasis may take the form of voice tone, facial expression, or simply repetition. Basically, you are looking for main points and theme. Once you feel you are on track, you then begin paraphrasing by using words like the following: "If I understand you correctly, you are saying that . . ." "If I'm following you, your point is that . . ." "I just want to make sure that I fully understand what you are saying. You are suggesting that . . ." "Excuse me for a moment. Let me see if I understand. You're thinking that if . . ." "So, you're thinking that . . ." "If I'm tracking you right, there are two main points you are making. First, . . ." "That's an interesting idea. You're suggesting that . . ." "Pardon me a moment. I want to collect my thoughts. Your point is that . . ." "Would I be right in saying that you are thinking that . . .?" Play back is a great technique for several reasons. First, you may learn that you have not understood what the communicator intended to say. Or, the communicator may realize that the way he or she has said something was confusing or misleading. This will help the communicator clarify his or her intended message. Without the playback, the communicator easily could assume -- erroneously -- that he or she has been understood perfectly. On the other hand, if your paraphrasing shows that you have grasped the communicator's essential message, the effect on the communicator is both powerful and positive. The communicator will feel validated as a communicator. Your paraphrasing shows that the communicator has communicated successfully. It also shows that you have cared enough to be attentive. When you articulate the essence of what the communicator has said using very different words, the positive effect is intensified. Particularly, if you show through your paraphrasing that you grasp a message that the communicator feels is subtle or complex, you will strike the communicator as attentive, interested, and astute! This will greatly strengthen the connection and bond between you and the communicator. Often people are reluctant to play back communications. For one thing, they may feel as though they are being impolite. Play back may require interrupting the communicator. Many of us have been taught never to interrupt. In actuality, these fears are greatly exaggerated. Most people do not mind being interrupted when the person who is making the interruption obviously is listening and making a sincere attempt to understand the communicator's message. In fact, most communicators actually welcome this kind of interruption. In the vast majority of instances, interrupting a communicator for play back lessens tension and friction. In playing back a message, you are showing that you really want to understand and you are merely checking to make sure that you are following the communication. This kind of interruption is hugely different from one in which you cut someone off to make a different point of your own, or to argue with or challenge the person.

Asking Questions. Let's assume that you are comfortable using the play back technique. You may still find it difficult to play back messages because you aren't sure what the communicator is driving at, or you may not understand the logic behind the communicator's message. This is when you need to ask questions. Many of us sit through others' communications wondering just what they are driving at without ever indicating that we aren't following their communications. But, without asking questions, you aren't likely to gain any further understanding. Moreover, you won't be able to use play back effectively, and this will rob you of the most powerful active listening technique. Reluctance to ask questions may stem from several sources. Here again, a person might not want to ask questions because doing so may require interrupting or otherwise appearing impolite. Or, particularly if the communicator is a person of influence or authority, people fear being seen as dumb or, possibly, as challenging the communicator. If this is your concern, consider how much worse it might be to fail to understand the jist of a communication from a person of influence and authority! Of course, it is quite possible to ask questions in such a way as to appear impolite, dumb, or challenging. But, there are many ways to avoid coming across this way. The essential key is sincerity on your part in trying to understand the communicator's message. Most people are so used to being listened to poorly that they are disarmed by real attempts by listeners to grasp their messages. Here are some basic rules of the road to follow in asking questions. Ask questions to clarify or build understanding. For example, you might ask questions such as: "Could you say more about . . .?" "Pardon me, I was interested in what you were saying about X, but I'm not sure that I caught everything you said? Could you say more?" "Could you elaborate a little more on that, please?" "Could you bear with me a moment? I can think of two different interpretations ofwhatI'mhearing. One is... The other is... Could you say a bit more to help me out?" Don't ask questions aimed at exposing weak points or inconsistencies in the communicator's message -- unless you do in fact want to challenge and be seen as doing so. For example, don't ask questions like the following: "But, didn't you just say that . . .?" "You're not saying X are you?" "Wait a minute. I'm not sure I heard that right. What are you saying?" Resist the temptation also to ask leading questions. Such questions show that you are more interested in making your own point than in understanding what your communicator wishes to say. For example, avoid questions such as: "Wouldn't you agree that . . .?" "So, doesn't it follow from what you are saying that . . .?"

Mental Techniques

Suspend Critical Evaluation. One of the things that can get in your way and prevent us from using the techniques we have just described is a tendency to listen for flaws, omissions, faulty thinking, technical errors, or other deficiencies in others' communications. In some cases this tendency to listen critically can interfere with the active listening process to the point that we conclude that the communicator's message is wrong or inadequate before we have fully understood what the communicator has intended to say. Listening to understand and listening to evaluate involve fundamentally different mental processes. When the two overlap too much, both break down. When you are critically evaluating, your capacity to absorb new information is reduced, because you are working on information that you already have taken in. Consequently, if you are listening critically when you should be listening to understand, your comprehension of the communicator's message is likely to be flawed, if only because it is incomplete. And then, in turn, your evaluation will be thrown off because the basis for your evaluation -- full comprehension of the message -- is incomplete or flawed. Clearly, the sequence should be: (1) listen to understand, and then (2) evaluate what you have understood to be the message. In reality, it probably is impossible to completely suspend critical thinking while listening. We humans seem to be inherently evaluative, and the evaluation process for the most part takes place unconsciously without our making a decision to evaluate. However, with some self-awareness and practice, we can prevent critical evaluation from becoming the focus of our listening process. There is another reason to control critical evaluation when listening. If you are listening critically, you are likely also to speak critically. Consequently, instead of using play back to check out your understanding of the communicator's message, and instead of asking questions to build your understanding, you are likely to show disagreement with the communicator's message either verbally or non-verbally. And, this will tend to shift the whole communication process into a very different mode. Instead of an exchange of information, the communication process can move into a defensive mode or into an outright debate. When this happens, listening and understanding will break down. Obviously, what we are saying here does not mean that you have to accept and agree with everything communicators have to say. Our point is that you must first listen to understand and then evaluate.

Summary

Active listening is one of the few behavioral techniques that you can count on to yield benefits almost universally. You will find it very hard to go wrong in most any situation using the techniques described here. Most people are not accomplished active listeners, so if you master active listening techniques you will stand forth very positively from the crowd. You will be better informed, you will have a stronger basis for making judgments about information sent your way by others, and you will build stronger and more positive relationships with those around you. Active listening is like any other skill. You can master it with positive intent, effort, and practice.

By: Dr. Ken Brousseau, Ph.D.